I’ve been a tad MIA this weekend. It was just really busy.
My boyfriend moved into his new apartment with his older sister this weekend. I went over there last night to check it out and watch the Mavs kick ass. I had it set in my mind that I’d talk to him about whether he sees me with him when he envisions his future, but I chickened out because we were having a good time. My mother decided to tell me yesterday morning that she’d basically disown me in a way, if when I moved out, I decided to be with him (she still doesn’t know that we’re dating). So I have to make sure that this relationship is 100% real and going somewhere, especially since lately it’s been a little off balance. I believe in my heart that he wouldn’t waste my time and energy like this, if he didn’t see a future with me. He obviously knows and was there for all the drama when my parents found out we were together. So I know and hope to God that he wouldn’t do that to me. But nonetheless, the conversation has to happen to reassure me that I’m making the right decision by staying with him. I feel bad for him because there’s a lot of pressure to make this relationship work to prove my parents wrong in the end, but if he believes that I’m the one he wants, it’ll be fine. He always said in the past that he doesn’t want anyone but me.
I don’t know what’s going to happen and I wish I could predict the future, but we’ll see what happens with this conversation…when I grow the balls to bring it up.
Tired Of Hiding.
I’ve decided that a couple months after I move out, maybe august or september, I’m going to tell my mother that I’m dating my boyfriend. I have it all planned out in my mind.
Mom, I just want to let you know, because you should know, that I’m dating T. You knew that I would once I moved out and wasn’t under you hand anymore, I would most likely choose to be with him. If you can’t accept it, I will have to continue to hide my relationship from you, which I hate doing. You know how much me hiding things from you and you hiding things from me affects our relationship. I want to be able to tell you things and share my life with you like I used to, but I can’t if you’re so close minded. If you don’t want to associate with me anymore, that’s on you ultimately. That will just show me the level of maturity involved. I love you, but this is who I want to be with and have wanted to be with for a while now. I can’t stop loving someone because you don’t want me to, that’s not how it works.
It probably won’t come out as sophisticated and diplomatic as that. But I’ll try. I’m just tired of hiding my relationship and being unhappy in order to make someone else happy. I would like to control my own happiness now, please and thank you. It all starts with the move. 22 days.
I honestly believe that once you decide that you want and are going to be happy, it’ll happen. If you wake up every morning and believe that you will live this day to the fullest, you will. I mean, having a bad day is fine. Being in a bad situation is also fine. However, if you just look at everything under a negative light, everything will always seem and be negative for you.
Find some positivity in your every day. There is always a reason to smile.
Gone, But Not Forgotten.
I’m not going to be posting in this blog a lot anymore. My new blog, thoseways, is where I have decided to put everything. But I’m going to keep this blog activated because it holds a lot of memories, thoughts, lessons and experiences.
I love this blog, but I’ll most likely just be reblogging the personal posts from thoseways.>
I Have Decided.
I have decided to not become a victim of my circumstances and negative experiences. There is a reason that I have been put into certain situations and I shouldn’t dwell on the bad things. I have decided to focus more on what I can do for myself rather than what others haven’t done for me. I have decided to focus on what I have rather than get upset about what I don’t have. There’s more to life than worrying about the things that aren’t really necessary. It’s just added stress and it’s not worth it, nor is it mentally and emotionally healthy.
I have decided to not bring past and negative experiences into new ones. The new experiences are new for a reason. No two experiences are exactly the same. I have decided to learn from the past and bad experiences, rather than bring them with me into the future.
I have decided that I am not a victim. I have decided that I am a survivor. I have decided that I will change my perspective on the past, in order to build a healthy future for myself. For the only person who can truly determine my future is me.
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Want to know how I know I love you as much as I proclaim?
When you call from a different phone other than your own, and I pick up not knowing it’s you and I hear your voice and I can feel my heart flutter and bounce around in my chest. It’s as if all the butterflies from my stomach flew to my chest and gave my heart wings, all because I heard your voice.
There comes a time when you realize that certain people show up in your life for a reason and certain people leave you life for a reason. The ones that leave your life served their purpose. They taught you something, whether you acknowledge it now or in the future; whether it was a small lesson or a huge, life-altering lesson, they did.
This is how I am trying to view people’s departures from my world. They have served their purpose and have moved on to serve purpose elsewhere. Logical, I think. Sad at times, but logical.
- part two
I’m just really overwhelmed. I feel like I can’t breathe. Too many things have transpired within a small period of time. I’m sitting at work, trying to keep it together and it’s proving to be difficult. Too many feelings, too many conversations, too many people.
I need an escape.>
My boyfriend and I are both going through an overwhelming time in our individual personal lives. We’re both in a depressive state, I think. Our issues are different, but we feel the same..
And that’s all I can write without tearing up.
Apologies, maybe later.